you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
