Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
