We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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