got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
