I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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