I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
