I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
