How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
