he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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