I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
