I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
