So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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