so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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