I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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