do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
