Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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