Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
