We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
