It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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