I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize