There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
