im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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