Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
