I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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