Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
