You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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