Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
