I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
