overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
