i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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