So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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