So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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