I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
