The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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