So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
