I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
