i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
