I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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