I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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