my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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