In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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