Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
