This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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