theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
