the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
