dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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