Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Shame - the story of my life.
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