you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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