From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
