I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
