If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
