I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
