I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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