it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I touched a dick in church today
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
