i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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