Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
