The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
