meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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