Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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