I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
