I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Still dying that you shit outside
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
